Evily Ever After
by FyFaen
Summary: A retarded story of a villian who takes over the world with help of his evil ally. After taking over the world, he realizes World domination wasn't what he really wanted in life.


Eivind sat on his dark wooden chair in the dimness of the candlelight, his fierce blue eyes sparkling with hatred like distant beads of ice under his protruding brows. He gazed with wonder at the redness of the

wine in his glass. He admired the beauty of it—how it glistened like a blood-stained ruby. The wine, in his mind, transformed into the blood of Christians—the sheep of this world. Oh, how he hated and despised

the sheep, not the animals, but the people, of course. Their lack of independence, their empty smiles and joyfulness, their---he could not grasp a word on it. Oh how he hated those filthy, filthy sheep…

"Eivind," A woman's squeaky voice called from behind the thick wooden door, breaking his trail of thought, "dinner is ready."

He drank his glass of wine in one quick gulp.

"Yes, mama, I'll be right there." He said in a deep monotone grumble. Eivind stood up; his long skeletal body draped in long black clothes, and walked out the door to the dinner table. The strides of his lengthy

legs were swift and his long dark cloak trailed behind him like a shadow in the night.

The dinner was the same, as usual. Lutefisk---lye-treated cod with potatoes, mustard and mashed peas. It disgusted Eivind how his mother would expect him to eat this vile food.

"Why do you always make that putrid dish?" Eivind grumbled as his long lithe fingers grasped his fork and he violently skewered a potato.

"Because," she squeaked, "It's food."

Eivind watched his mother eat the vile jelly; his goat-like face twisted in disgust.

"You know I prefer grass." he said, eyes burning with hate for his mother.

"Oh, Eivind," she chuckled. "That look on your face is so funny." Petting his long dark-blond matted hair, she smiled at her hideous son.

"Don't." he snapped. "You know I hate being touched."

"It's because of your father, isn't it?"

"How dare you bring him up now! You know how it upsets me to think that my own father…was a goat!" he shouted with rage as he sprang from his chair. "I am going for a walk, mother."

"Ok, dear." She waved and smiled.

He gave her a malicious look, and then walked out of the door.

The crisp icy air enveloped him as he stepped outside and looked to the majestic northern mountains. They were covered in a vast blanket of white which sparkled in the setting sun. He admired the beauty, as he

admired all beautiful things, like fashion design. As he went, he saw the old shack of a school he went to as a child. He went there with only one other boy who lived on the other side of town. He recalled how the

boy committed suicide at the age of eighteen and that he never even cared. Eivind was thirty three now, and that was his past.

Eventually, he approached a dark forest, the trees growing taller with each long stride. The darkness of the forest welcomed him and he felt a sense of happiness---evil happiness of course. He suddenly stopped

and stared.

A man sat, leaning against a frozen log. He looked emaciated and his skin was pale like the snow around him; his pale blue eyes burned greedily with hunger and determination.

"I'm so hungry…." he mumbled and pulled out a Nutrigrain bar from his coat pocket, greedily opening the berry-coloured package.

His tongue inched towards the cereal bar. At about a centimetre away, it snapped back into his mouth and he cowered away from the food.

"No!" he exclaimed to himself, "You cannot! Tom, you'll get fat."

He stared hungrily at the cereal bar, his tongue inching again towards it, and on contact, he inhaled it. Then, he devoured the rest.

The man suddenly noticed Eivind's presence and became startled.

"Oh, hello." he croaked.

"Hello," Eivind gave the man a look of suspicion. "And what might you be doing in my forest?"

Hastily the man buried the Nutrigrain bar packages into the snow and wiped the food from his face.

"Oh, nothing, nothing at all." He mumbled, tucking his long black hair behind his ear.

"Were you… trespassing?" Eivind hissed.

"What? No! I---" he choked. "I hate children" His eyes gazed away.

"Oh?" Eivind was confused by the change of subject.

"Yeah," the man said, "I'm a kindergarten teacher, but I chastise children. That's why I spit on their food" The man giggled.

"Wow, that's evil." Eivind said.

"Well yes… have you done anything… evil?" He giggled again.

"Well, there was this one time…" Eivind began. "This guy had trespassed onto my property. I told him to leave telepathically---I have special powers. Anyway, I tortured him for six hours straight and now I've

been considered mentally sick by the government so I don't have to work anymore."

"Wow!" The man looked astonished. "You're so evil!"

Eivind let out a quick laugh of approval. "Always."

The man's eyes sparkled at Eivind. "I love you…"

"What?" Eivind's eyebrow twitched again.

"Oh nothing, sorry." The man looked away, embarrassed. "I just think you're really evil. I like it. Can we be friends? You know, evil allies… take over the world together…we kind of share a lot in common."

"This is so exciting!" The man giggled as he twiddled his long fingers together.

"My name is Eivind. What's your name?" Eivind asked.

"Ooo! Even your name sounds evil!" The man's eyes glistened wickedly. "Tom. Tom is my name." He grinned with glee.

Extremely drained of energy from the gruelling walk home, Tom and Eivind dragged their heavy feet into the basement of Eivind's house to commence on their evil plans.

"So, how should we, you know… take over the world." Tom became excited.

"Uh… you know… exterminate the Christians."

"Oh my god, you are so smart!" Tom exclaimed and grasped onto Eivind's skeletal arm and began to rub his face along it, like a cat would. Once he realized what he was doing, he quickly let go. "I'm so sorry, I

have no clue why I just did that."

"Me neither…" Eivind stared questionably at Tom. "Anyway, I know how we can achieve."

"Yes?"

"Black Magic."

"Like, with Satanic pentagrams and such?"

"Of course."

"Oh my god… I mean, 'oh my Satan!', so cool!" Tom became excited.

"Yes." Eivind sipped his bloody wine. "Anyway, so where shall we begin?"

"In the middle of the city; frighten everyone away."

"Good idea. We need weapons though."

"Do you have any?" Tom's eyes glistened with almost the same evil as Eivind's did.

"Well," Eivind gazed at his art supplies. "I have paintbrushes."

Tom gazed at the paintbrushes, head tilted in thought. "It could work. We could sharpen the other ends to be pointy." Tom looked around a bit, then he got another idea. "Or.... we can make bombs out of

Mentos and Diet Coke... We dig---with SPOONS--- a tunnel under the city... there... we place the bombs.... opening the top of the bottle, and putting the Mentos into the bottles and closing them.. we have about

a thousand... and then we SHAKE THEM--shake---shake! shake! SHAKE..." Tom made the shaking movements with his hands, and then brought his hands close to his chest, where he twiddled his fingers

together, suppressing an evil chuckle. "...and then get out and watch the city crumble to dust!" Tom's blue eyes were wide and sparkling, then he burst into evil laughter.

Eivind paused for a moment, watching Tom. His eyebrow twitched. "Brilliant." He lied, hiding the fact he thought Tom's idea was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard in his entire evil existence. "But I have

something more evil up my sleeve…" The candlelight enhanced his skull-like facial features as he ominously smiled. He glided towards his desk, grabbed something off of it, then turned around quickly.

"Have you heard of the…iPhone?" Eivind hissed.

"No, I haven't! What is it?!" Tom's eyes sparkled with curiosity.

"It's the most advanced piece of technology the world has ever created."

"Wow.." Tom gasped, "It's so beautiful!"

"Yes. It's a camera, a razor, soap, a blow-dryer, a stove, a washing machine, an atomic bomb, it summons the apocalypse, it's a drink dispenser---it even makes the perfect espresso."

"Wow!" Tom was astonished. "What else does it do?"

"Oh, much more. Much, much more." Eivind grinned. "It is a music mixer, a computer, a portable shower, a hard-to-use cell phone---all in one. It also gives you any power you could ever wish for."

"Wow, who gave it to you."

"I bought it off some guy wearing a cloak in the pub a few weeks ago."

"Let's use it to take over the world!" Tom squealed, throwing his hands into the air in excitement.

"So we must." Eivind roared with evil laughter.

And so, Tom and Eivind used the iPhone to take over the world. Each day cities became more and more desolate, until they were nothing more than empty ruins. Even Eivind's mother had left. Tom and Eivind

indulged themselves in their success, but eventually grew tired of it, and world domination seemed less enjoyable that it had originally seen out to be. Everything now was rendered obsolete in their destruction.

Eivind pondered, petting his pointy goatee.

"Something wrong?" Tom asked. He reached his hand towards Eivind's shoulder, but snapped it back as if afraid Eivind would attack him.

"Don't you think this isn't really fun anymore? I mean, after I look at all this, I don't really know if it was ever truly what I wanted."

"What do you mean? I thought this was your happily ever after… I mean 'evilly ever after'."

"Well, so I thought. But, you know, I've always admired---" He stopped short, a feeling came over him that he'd never felt before. His cold black heart sank; his face very sad and sombre.

"I just wish people could like me, you know. But they don't. I wished that I could magically turn myself into someone people respected, but I never respected myself. I turned myself into this _evil_, but I never really

hated anyone."

Tom blinked. "But all you ever talked about was world domination and genocide."

"Yes," Eivind looked out of the foggy window at the beauty of the winter. "But this stupid iPhone and world domination never brought me anything. I've always, you know, admired beautiful things. I've always

loved… fashion design." He let out a little laugh. "I love fashion. I want to design clothes, I've even come up with a name for a company; 'Wynjo', which is old Norse for beauty."

"So, you've always wanted to be a fashion designer?" Tom blinked, "Wow, I've always wanted to be a model! Ever since I was little girl... I mean boy.... I was angry at my parents for turning down my dream, and

forcing me to go to college and become a kindergarten teacher."

"Seems we do have a lot in common after all." Eivind looked down at the red wine in his glass. But this time, it didn't transform into the blood of Christians... it just looked like plain old red wine.

Tom stared at Eivind for a moment, blinked and then scratched his head. He felt sorry for Eivind. "But are you still evil?" He finally asked.

"Yes." Eivind said, "We could be… evil fashion designers." His goat-face stretched into a wide, evil smile.

Tom exploded with laughter and delight. "Exactly!"

And so then on, Tom and Eivind created an evil fashion company which created nice clothes for all people, all ages. Everyone loved their stylish clothing, and Wynjo became an international success. They got the respect they always wanted, and used corruption to manipulate the public to buy their products. After lifelong success, Tom and Eivind lived happily ever after… or should it be, "evilly ever after".

The End


End file.
